Have you ever thought to yourself, "where did I go wrong", where or when was the moment when your whole life shifted from what you wanted, needed or desired to what fate had in store? Do you think it's fate or do you think you set the actions in motion yourself. I have often though to myself "where or when did it all shift".
Unlike a few people I've spoken to, I know precisely when.
August 4th, 2000 I found out I was pregnant with the most beautiful child (though no one believed I already knew this) and knew that was what I wanted. That isn't the moment, I am just giving you the back story. I was over joyed with the news of this pregnancy, believe me. I was through the roof with happiness. I was finally going to have that one thing that would set me apart from others, I was going to have that one person to whom I'd give my true love. True love doesn't always mean a sexual soul mate, haven't you seen "Maleficent" Well you need to... That is the best description of what TRUE LOVE is... True love, that feeling that no matter what a person does or says, you don't back away, you don't back down and you don't leave. They can slam doors, yell, cry, scream or tell you they hate you, but deep inside you both know, it's a forever true love. I see my daughter and I, without a doubt KNOW, there is NOTHING that little beauty could do to make me back down from her side. She is intelligent, beautiful from the inside out and by far has the most forgiving heart. She truly just wants everyone to get along, to be happy and just treat others with respect.
So, back to what I was saying, I know the moment that my world changed. I phoned my then husband who was stationed in Hawaii (I was in Japan) and he seemed quite excited. However, 3 days later, August 7th, he phoned me stating he wasn't sure if he wanted to remain married. I was floored, we had just gotten married that May. However, I can honestly say I never wanted to marry him, but I had told him when we were dating, there was something within my being stating that I should have a child with him. That the child I was going to love forever would be with him. I didn't want to marry him, be with him or have him responsible for us in any way. However, as you can see the pregnancy didn't occur until after marriage (guess fate needed awhile). So, there I was, 20 years old, pregnant and probably going to be a divorcee already... I had that moment to decide my fate. I told him to figure his concerns out and then let me know.
So that was my moment. I should have said, be gone with your loser self. But I didn't. I let the fear of actually being a parent alone take over and rule my decision. I had the opportunity to be a strong and very independent mother. I knew I could do it, but I lacked that confidence I try so hard to get my daughter to have.
So there I was, waiting on HIM! What was I thinking? Why did I not think better?
I allowed him to make that decision for me. I allowed my life to be modified to suit him. I felt pathetic the entire time we were married.
So there you have it, I decided that even though I had found out he cheated, and wasn't sure he wanted me... I stayed. What a fool.
When I joined the Air Force I knew I wanted to be a lifer, that was it for me. I was going to climb the ranks, and make it as high as I could. I was going to get orders to England and never return. That was my plan, even after I found out I was pregnant, that was my plan. I decided if he didn't want to stay, fuck him, I didn't need his help anyway. But I failed myself. I failed to be that strong and independent person I knew was inside.
So on October 1, 2000 I was honorably discharged from the Air Force and my life began that spiraling motion down. I had a rocky pregnancy, where I contracted e-coli ( I will spare you how that happened ), my daughter and I nearly died from it. My daughter tried to come into the world February 28th (due date was April!)... but she ended up being perfectly arrived, April 8, 2001. My life took a slight detour then. I doted on her (still do) and decided if I couldn't find my own confidence I was going to make damn sure she didn't make my mistakes and follow my footsteps. She was going to make better decisions, she was going to have a good life and she wasn't going to allow anyone to tell her that her dreams couldn't happen.
My husband decided to cheat with 8 more women, one of them had a child named Ryleigh, and unfortunately I didn't find that information out until we were divorcing in 2003. I wish I knew more than the fact she was born in June or July 2001 in Mountain Home AFB.. She has a sister, somewhere... sad really. She doesn't know.
So after a very odd and painful marriage, we separated in February 2003 legally and then finalized our divorce on May 7th 2003 (I might point out that we were married May 8th and in Japan so it was technically our 3 year anniversary, to which he chose the date, jerk).
I moved with my beautiful 2 year old in April 2003 to Ohio for 2 weeks with my late mother, then onto Missouri with his parents. That was an awkward situation, considering he was already with someone else and engaged. In June 2003, my daughter and I moved to Arkansas so I could be closer to work. That only lasted until October when financial issues forced me to move to Sacramento, and had me living with the craziest ex step mother there ever was. My three sisters and her decided I was an unfit mother and attempted to remove me. It didn't work...
I met a man online (cliché I know) who made me feel like a loved woman... it was funny and I never thought it would happen, but that February 2004... we married the day we met each other... look I was 24 and perfectly allowed to do crazy things. He was NOT a bad guy. We were just not made for each other, that's all. He moved my daughter and I to Beaufort South Carolina... and I fell in love... with the town. Small, and yet not small. I had a great job I loved/hated and really loved the costal life. it suited me. It was home, in every sense of the word. We separated in October 2004... after we got pregnant and he told me he was cheated, I see a pattern... I miscarried from stress ( a blessing in disguise... already had 1 child with someone who wanted nothing to do with her, I couldn't do that to another). So I moved out in February 2005... I allowed my Princess to stay with her father until I got on my feet, it was to be 3 months... but a court battle made it longer (won't go into it, I got her back in May so it's all water under the bridge). We had it rough for a bit, waitressing doesn't pay enough... I luckily had an AMAZING boyfriend who helped tremendously and was literally a necessity in my independence, if that makes sense. He demanded nothing, and was there for everything that I needed. I needed help with rent, he was there, if I needed a babysitter he was there. I moved into a better place, (I won't describe the first) and he left.. we were just at two different junctures in life. His ex wife burned him bad and I don't blame him for the fear of commitment. I was on my own, had 1 horrible boyfriend experience after that, but that led me to my not needed anyone. It was her and I and I made it work.
Then the amazing boyfriend popped back in my life and we decided to move in together... and got a dog, it was picture perfect for awhile. My daughter, his son when we could and the two of us, school and world of war craft... ha ha... but it was a façade...
In the meantime of this my ex and his wife, split and after a few conversations ... she became one of my greatest friends, biggest allies, best boost of self confidence and honestly, a second mom to my daughter. It is a strange friendship when we tell people how we met, and all, so we don't. Just know, her family is our family, all because of a mutual love for a beautiful girl.
So the amazing boyfriend made up a story and left us... honestly, it didn't phase us. We picked up and were stronger than ever. We had 2 dogs, a cat and great friends. Life was literally, great. I had my job still, she had great friends and was at a perfect school. Literally, I couldn't ask for anything better.
Then, summer of 2010, while my princess was with her dad and new wife person... new kid and all... I met someone, it was to be a fling, that was it. I had NO intention of making it a permanent thing. But I began to think that where I was at was not what I wanted. I began to want to get out of where we were... how wrong I was. He asked us in February 2011 ( I hate the month of February, if you can't tell the pattern by now) to move with him to the next duty station... back to fucking Lemoore, California. Why, oh why, the hell did I say yes? I didn't want to, in fact the day we left my truck battery died... that was my clue, but I didn't pay attention.
In July 2011 we arrived here, where we are currently still stuck and I am miserable. Miserable and stuck. Stuck in a job I don't like that doesn't pay enough. Stuck in an unhappy life. The ONLY thing that makes it ok, makes it doable is the fact I have my daughter. I have this smiling beauty in my life. However, she is unhappy to. I want to be back east, I'd prefer SC however, I want back east.
I want out of this dirty air, this crime filled town... but I can't. I am stuck. How is this showing her independence? how is this showing her to be her own woman. I am stuck as a dependent. I hate that. I hate being questioned when I leave the house. I should be able to just leave without telling anyone where I am going.
So that is it... can you see the point in my life where it all shifted? The day I decided to let someone decide my fate and ... I got out of the service.
Pathetic, I am sure. I just hope that she does better.
I must say that I did complete 2 degrees while being a single mom, that has to count for something in my life, right.
I have to add that, events here in California have simply reinforced my hatred of this place is not unfounded. I had to give away my 2 pain in the butt but so lovable dogs before leaving SC, I lost my dearly beloved and very important self assurance cat Silver Baby to feline diabetes in June 2012, my mother passed from Lung Cancer in August 2014 and my beloved second mom from my old job on November 26, 2014.
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