I very much should have listened to that... I could have listened.
I could have...
However, I doubt I would, because I think I needed to see it. I think I needed to find what I found. I think I needed to know. Though I did know. I did know, deep down, but I played it off like I didn't care.
I didn't want to spread my moms ashes at all, I didn't.
I didn't want to share them with my sister, I didn't.
I wasn't going to give her any, and decided I did not want to go with me to spread them either. I decided that since she didn't want to come to moms aide when she was ill, and only thought of what financial gain she would get, that she did not deserve the privilege of honoring moms wishes.
However, as always, my heart said to give her some of the ashes. And that if mom was mad at the decision, she'd let us know... most assuredly, she would.
As of yet, my mom hasn't.
So on in December I took some of my mothers ashes and put them in a zip lock bag, then put them in another then put them in a box. I sent my sister a text and said I decided to let her half part of the ashes. She said she wasn't home and to leave them on her porch. I was nauseated by that, but did it anyway.
I heard music inside, but heard no one talking or anything, figured they were really not there. So I text her to let her know where they were and then sat there a minute. Second guessing my decision, but knowing I couldn't back down, we drove off. I had a pit in my stomach and I was disgusted with both myself and her.
I spread my mothers ashes in a beautiful spot in Yosemite...
Today, I decided to be nosey, oh how that was something I could have done without. I found out she was home, she took a photo of me in my car outside her house. that was horrible to see. Knowing she was home, knowing she saw me and did nothing. She could have been an adult and came out. She could have been a snob and looked down her nose at me, she could have just done something other than what she did. She chose to be this self righteous bitch and behaved horribly to my mother in her time of need, did not come to her service and couldn't even open the door to take the ashes from my hand. I don't even know if cowardice is the right term.
All my sister was concerned with was financials. All she wanted was to get whatever monetary gain she could from my mothers death. She didn't care that my mother was in pain for so long. She didn't care that my mother was miserable for so long. She only cared about life insurance and money.
She wasn't there for more than 1 hour with my mother when she did come to see her. She flew from California to Ohio with my former step mother. Yes, the woman who ruined my mothers happiness, life...career whatever ... stole my fathers love back and my mother became a single mother because of her... in any case. She brought her. She talked my mother in to letting them stay in her home, to which they didn't. They simply used the time to go through her place, take what they wanted and left. She saw my mother for 1 hour, to which my mother made herself out to appear so strong and then my sister left. Her all-mighty mentality left again. She went sight seeing to Pennsylvania then flew home to enjoy time with my other sister for her birthday.
I stayed.
I am not telling people this for pity. I am glad I stayed. I knew my mother was going to pass and I wanted to make damn sure that our tumultuous past was rectified first. My mother and I put our past away and moved on. We forgave each other. I forgave her. I love my mother and I needed her to know that. I stayed with my mother as long as I could.
Regardless, the end is as you know. My mother passed, I flew home with my daughter to attend my mothers funeral. I went home to receive her ashes. Honestly, I received so much more than I expected. I was given the honor of receiving my mothers American Flag presented by fellow military. I received 3 shell casings from the 21 gun salute my mother was given. I got the honor of that, no one else.
SO why am I so heartbroken over the freaking idea my sister is exactly who I thought? Because I really, honestly thought, losing our mother would somehow make her realize how short life is and how much we shouldn't fight over shit that happened over 3 years ago.
And I'm done, because I'm tired, and because I am more upset by this than I thought...
I could have...
However, I doubt I would, because I think I needed to see it. I think I needed to find what I found. I think I needed to know. Though I did know. I did know, deep down, but I played it off like I didn't care.
I didn't want to spread my moms ashes at all, I didn't.
I didn't want to share them with my sister, I didn't.
I wasn't going to give her any, and decided I did not want to go with me to spread them either. I decided that since she didn't want to come to moms aide when she was ill, and only thought of what financial gain she would get, that she did not deserve the privilege of honoring moms wishes.
However, as always, my heart said to give her some of the ashes. And that if mom was mad at the decision, she'd let us know... most assuredly, she would.
As of yet, my mom hasn't.
So on in December I took some of my mothers ashes and put them in a zip lock bag, then put them in another then put them in a box. I sent my sister a text and said I decided to let her half part of the ashes. She said she wasn't home and to leave them on her porch. I was nauseated by that, but did it anyway.
I heard music inside, but heard no one talking or anything, figured they were really not there. So I text her to let her know where they were and then sat there a minute. Second guessing my decision, but knowing I couldn't back down, we drove off. I had a pit in my stomach and I was disgusted with both myself and her.
I spread my mothers ashes in a beautiful spot in Yosemite...
Today, I decided to be nosey, oh how that was something I could have done without. I found out she was home, she took a photo of me in my car outside her house. that was horrible to see. Knowing she was home, knowing she saw me and did nothing. She could have been an adult and came out. She could have been a snob and looked down her nose at me, she could have just done something other than what she did. She chose to be this self righteous bitch and behaved horribly to my mother in her time of need, did not come to her service and couldn't even open the door to take the ashes from my hand. I don't even know if cowardice is the right term.
All my sister was concerned with was financials. All she wanted was to get whatever monetary gain she could from my mothers death. She didn't care that my mother was in pain for so long. She didn't care that my mother was miserable for so long. She only cared about life insurance and money.
She wasn't there for more than 1 hour with my mother when she did come to see her. She flew from California to Ohio with my former step mother. Yes, the woman who ruined my mothers happiness, life...career whatever ... stole my fathers love back and my mother became a single mother because of her... in any case. She brought her. She talked my mother in to letting them stay in her home, to which they didn't. They simply used the time to go through her place, take what they wanted and left. She saw my mother for 1 hour, to which my mother made herself out to appear so strong and then my sister left. Her all-mighty mentality left again. She went sight seeing to Pennsylvania then flew home to enjoy time with my other sister for her birthday.
I stayed.
I am not telling people this for pity. I am glad I stayed. I knew my mother was going to pass and I wanted to make damn sure that our tumultuous past was rectified first. My mother and I put our past away and moved on. We forgave each other. I forgave her. I love my mother and I needed her to know that. I stayed with my mother as long as I could.
Regardless, the end is as you know. My mother passed, I flew home with my daughter to attend my mothers funeral. I went home to receive her ashes. Honestly, I received so much more than I expected. I was given the honor of receiving my mothers American Flag presented by fellow military. I received 3 shell casings from the 21 gun salute my mother was given. I got the honor of that, no one else.
SO why am I so heartbroken over the freaking idea my sister is exactly who I thought? Because I really, honestly thought, losing our mother would somehow make her realize how short life is and how much we shouldn't fight over shit that happened over 3 years ago.
And I'm done, because I'm tired, and because I am more upset by this than I thought...
