Amazon

Use my referral link to get a $5 coupon at Amazon for signing into the Amazon App the first time: https://amazon.com/mpr?referralcode=HEATH13725N&ref_=mpr_tr_ss

Mother's Day

I wish I could call my mom, Diana, and tell her Happy Mothers Day, and Brenda as well. Diana gave me life, taught me that sacrifices are necessary to keep your children. She showed me that discipline is necessary to keep them safe. She then taught me that learning to lean on myself more than others will always be the smart thing. She was not affectionate, rarely said *I love you* and I thought growing up that means she didn't love me. When she was sick and I went to be with her, I realized that was a lie. I realized that we had more in common than I thought. The time spent with her watching Ancient Aliens was the best. Taking her around town to get her out was amazing. I learned more, she spoke more and told me she loved me. In the end, when her last few words were to my daughter and I to let us show she loved us meant more than I can even say.
Brenda became *mom* in August 2005 ... she treated all of us like family and she was mom for all intents and purposes. She was the person I confided in, and shared many interests.
I love them both dearly and today my heart breaks twice.
In August 2014 I lost my mother to lung cancer and then in November of that year I lost Brenda.  I cannot begin to describe the pain, emptiness, loss and devastation that losing them both has done to me.
I think of them both everyday and fight the urge to call them.
I have old emails from Brenda and a voice mail saved from mom. It helps, but it doesn't lessen the hole in my heart.

Today on Mother's Day I'm telling these two women, You are the reason I'm the mom I am now. I make sure everyday my daughter knows she is loved, appreciated, beautiful and the most important person in my life. She is my #1 always.

For my friends who are mother's, know that your job as a mom is the most important. You are helping to raise our future. Do it with love, not hate. Teach them that love will always be stronger than hate.

To the dads who've stepped up and had to assume both roles, you are amazing men and I know from experience being mother and father is tough. Remember to keep the softer side like a mom, because kids need that in their lives.

I'm grateful every time I'm called mom, and everyday I have my daughter, is one more day to show her I love her.

Don't search if you can't handle what you find...

I very much should have listened to that... I could have listened.

I could have...

However, I doubt I would, because I think I needed to see it. I think I needed to find what I found. I think I needed to know. Though I did know. I did know, deep down, but I played it off like I didn't care.


I didn't want to spread my moms ashes at all, I didn't.

I didn't want to share them with my sister, I didn't.

I wasn't going to give her any, and decided I did not want to go with me to spread them either. I decided that since she didn't want to come to moms aide when she was ill, and only thought of what financial gain she would get, that she did not deserve the privilege of honoring moms wishes.

However, as always, my heart said to give her some of the ashes. And that if mom was mad at the decision, she'd let us know... most assuredly, she would.


As of yet, my mom hasn't.


So on in December I took some of my mothers ashes and put them in a zip lock bag, then put them in another then put them in a box. I sent my sister a text and said I decided to let her half part of the ashes. She said she wasn't home and to leave them on her porch. I was nauseated by that, but did it anyway.

I heard music inside, but heard no one talking or anything, figured they were really not there. So I text her to let her know where they were and then sat there a minute. Second guessing my decision, but knowing I couldn't back down, we drove off. I had a pit in my stomach and I was disgusted with both myself and her.

I spread my mothers ashes in a beautiful spot in Yosemite...


Today, I decided to be nosey, oh how that was something I could have done without. I found out she was home, she took a photo of me in my car outside her house. that was horrible to see. Knowing she was home, knowing she saw me and did nothing. She could have been an adult and came out. She could have been a snob and looked down her nose at me, she could have just done something other than what she did. She chose to be this self righteous bitch and behaved horribly to my mother in her time of need, did not come to her service and couldn't even open the door to take the ashes from my hand. I don't even know if cowardice is the right term.

All my sister was concerned with was financials. All she wanted was to get whatever monetary gain she could from my mothers death. She didn't care that my mother was in pain for so long. She didn't care that my mother was miserable for so long. She only cared about life insurance and money.

She wasn't there for more than 1 hour with my mother when she did come to see her. She flew from California to Ohio with my former step mother. Yes, the woman who ruined my mothers happiness, life...career whatever ... stole my fathers love back and my mother became a single mother because of her... in any case. She brought her. She talked my mother in to letting them stay in her home, to which they didn't. They simply used the time to go through her place, take what they wanted and left. She saw my mother for 1 hour, to which my mother made herself out to appear so strong and then my sister left. Her all-mighty mentality left again. She went sight seeing to Pennsylvania then flew home to enjoy time with my other sister for her birthday.

I stayed.

I am not telling people this for pity. I am glad I stayed. I knew my mother was going to pass and I wanted to make damn sure that our tumultuous past was rectified first. My mother and I put our past away and moved on. We forgave each other. I forgave her. I love my mother and I needed her to know that. I stayed with my mother as long as I could.

Regardless, the end is as you know. My mother passed, I flew home with my daughter to attend my mothers funeral. I went home to receive her ashes. Honestly, I received so much more than I expected. I was given the honor of receiving my mothers American Flag presented by fellow military. I received 3 shell casings from the 21 gun salute my mother was given. I got the honor of that, no one else.

SO why am I so heartbroken over the freaking idea my sister is exactly who I thought? Because I really, honestly thought, losing our mother would somehow make her realize how short life is and how much we shouldn't fight over shit that happened over 3 years ago.


And I'm done, because I'm tired, and because I am more upset by this than I thought...

When You Realize Where...

Have you ever thought to yourself, "where did I go wrong", where or when was the moment when your whole life shifted from what you wanted, needed or desired to what fate had in store? Do you think it's fate or do you think you set the actions in motion yourself. I have often though to myself "where or when did it all shift".
Unlike a few people I've spoken to, I know precisely when.

August 4th, 2000 I found out I was pregnant with the most beautiful child (though no one believed I already knew this) and knew that was what I wanted. That isn't the moment, I am just giving you the back story. I was over joyed with the news of this pregnancy, believe me. I was through the roof with happiness. I was finally going to have that one thing that would set me apart from others, I was going to have that one person to whom I'd give my true love. True love doesn't always mean a sexual soul mate, haven't you seen "Maleficent" Well you need to... That is the best description of what TRUE LOVE is... True love, that feeling that no matter what a person does or says, you don't back away, you don't back down and you don't leave. They can slam doors, yell, cry, scream or tell you they hate you, but deep inside you both know, it's a forever true love. I see my daughter and I, without a doubt KNOW, there is NOTHING that little beauty could do to make me back down from her side. She is intelligent, beautiful from the inside out and by far has the most forgiving heart. She truly just wants everyone to get along, to be happy and just treat others with respect.
So, back to what I was saying, I know the moment that my world changed. I phoned my then husband who was stationed in Hawaii (I was in Japan) and he seemed quite excited. However, 3 days later, August 7th, he phoned me stating he wasn't sure if he wanted to remain married. I was floored, we had just gotten married that May. However, I can honestly say I never wanted to marry him, but I had told him when we were dating, there was something within my being stating that I should have a child with him. That the child I was going to love forever would be with him. I didn't want to marry him, be with him or have him responsible for us in any way. However, as  you can see the pregnancy didn't occur until after marriage (guess fate needed awhile). So, there I was, 20 years old, pregnant and probably going to be a divorcee already... I had that moment to decide my fate. I told him to figure his concerns out and then let me know.
So that was my moment. I should have said, be gone with your loser self. But I didn't. I let the fear of actually being a parent alone take over and rule my decision. I had the opportunity to be a strong and very independent mother. I knew I could do it, but I lacked that confidence I try so hard to get my daughter to have.
So there I was, waiting on HIM! What was I thinking? Why did I not think better?
I allowed him to make that decision for me. I allowed my life to be modified to suit him. I felt pathetic the entire time we were married.
So there you have it, I decided that even though I had found out he cheated, and wasn't sure he wanted me... I stayed. What a fool.
When I joined the Air Force I knew I wanted to be a lifer, that was it for me. I was going to climb the ranks, and make it as high as I could. I was going to get orders to England and never return. That was my plan, even after I found out I was pregnant, that was my plan. I decided if he didn't want to stay, fuck him, I didn't need his help anyway. But I failed myself. I failed to be that strong and independent person I knew was inside.
So on October 1, 2000 I was honorably discharged from the Air Force and my life began that spiraling motion down. I had a rocky pregnancy, where I contracted e-coli ( I will spare you how that happened ), my daughter and I nearly died from it. My daughter tried to come into the world February 28th (due date was April!)... but she ended up being perfectly arrived, April 8, 2001. My life took a slight detour then. I doted on her (still do) and decided if I couldn't find my own confidence I was going to make damn sure she didn't make my mistakes and follow my footsteps. She was going to make better decisions, she was going to have a good life and she wasn't going to allow anyone to tell her that her dreams couldn't happen.
My husband decided to cheat with 8 more women, one of them had a child named Ryleigh, and unfortunately I didn't find that information out until we were divorcing in 2003. I wish I knew more than the fact she was born in June or July 2001 in Mountain Home AFB.. She has a sister, somewhere... sad really. She doesn't know.
So after a very odd and painful marriage, we separated in February 2003 legally and then finalized our divorce on May 7th 2003 (I might point out that we were married May 8th and in Japan so it was technically our 3 year anniversary, to which he chose the date, jerk).
I moved with my beautiful 2 year old in April 2003 to Ohio for 2 weeks with my late mother, then onto Missouri with his parents. That was an awkward situation, considering he was already with someone else and engaged. In June 2003, my daughter and I moved to Arkansas so I could be closer to work. That only lasted until October when financial issues forced me to move to Sacramento, and had me living with the craziest ex step mother there ever was. My three sisters and her decided I was an unfit mother and attempted to remove me. It didn't work...
I met a man online (cliché I know) who made me feel like a loved woman... it was funny and I never thought it would happen, but that February 2004... we married the day we met each other... look I was 24 and perfectly allowed to do crazy things. He was NOT a bad guy. We were just not made for each other, that's all. He moved my daughter and I to Beaufort South Carolina... and I fell in love... with the town. Small, and yet not small. I had a great job I loved/hated and really loved the costal life. it suited me. It was home, in every sense of the word. We separated in October 2004... after we got pregnant and he told me he was cheated, I see a pattern... I miscarried from stress ( a blessing in disguise... already had 1 child with someone who wanted nothing to do with her, I couldn't do that to another). So I moved out in February 2005... I allowed my Princess to stay with her father until I got on my feet, it was to be 3 months... but a court battle made it longer (won't go into it, I got her back in May so it's all water under the bridge). We had it rough for a bit, waitressing doesn't pay enough... I luckily had an AMAZING boyfriend who helped tremendously and was literally a necessity in my independence, if that makes sense. He demanded nothing, and was there for everything that I needed. I needed help with rent, he was there, if I needed a babysitter he was there. I moved into a better place, (I won't describe the first) and he left.. we were just at two different junctures in life. His ex wife burned him bad and I don't blame him for the fear of commitment. I was on my own, had 1 horrible boyfriend experience after that, but that led me to my not needed anyone. It was her and I and I made it work.
Then the amazing boyfriend popped back in my life and we decided to move in together... and got a dog, it was picture perfect for awhile. My daughter, his son when we could and the two of us, school and world of war craft... ha ha... but it was a façade...
In the meantime of this my ex and his wife, split and after a few conversations ... she became one of my greatest friends, biggest allies, best boost of self confidence and honestly, a second mom to my daughter. It is a strange friendship when we tell people how we met, and all, so we don't. Just know, her family is our family, all because of a mutual love for a beautiful girl.

So the amazing boyfriend made up a story and left us... honestly, it didn't phase us. We picked up and were stronger than ever. We had 2 dogs, a cat and great friends. Life was literally, great. I had my job still, she had great friends and was at a perfect school. Literally, I couldn't ask for anything better.

Then, summer of 2010, while my princess was with her dad and new wife person... new kid and all... I met someone, it was to be a fling, that was it. I had NO intention of making it a permanent thing. But I began to think that where I was at was not what I wanted. I began to want to get out of where we were... how wrong I was. He asked us in February 2011 ( I hate the month of February, if you can't tell the pattern by now) to move with him to the next duty station... back to fucking Lemoore, California. Why, oh why, the hell did I say yes? I didn't want to, in fact the day we left my truck battery died... that was my clue, but I didn't pay attention.

In July 2011 we arrived here, where we are currently still stuck and I am miserable. Miserable and stuck. Stuck in a job I don't like that doesn't pay enough. Stuck in an unhappy life. The ONLY thing that makes it ok, makes it doable is the fact I have my daughter. I have this smiling beauty in my life. However, she is unhappy to. I want to be back east, I'd prefer SC however, I want back east.
I want out of this dirty air, this crime filled town... but I can't. I am stuck. How is this showing her independence? how is this showing her to be her own woman. I am stuck as a dependent. I hate that. I hate being questioned when I leave the house. I should be able to just leave without telling anyone where I am going.


So that is it... can you see the point in my life where it all shifted? The day I decided to let someone decide my fate and ... I got out of the service.

Pathetic, I am sure. I just hope that she does better.


I must say that I did complete 2 degrees while being a single mom, that has to count for something in my life, right.
I have to add that, events here in California have simply reinforced my hatred of this place is not unfounded. I had to give away my 2 pain in the butt but so lovable dogs before leaving SC, I lost my dearly beloved and very important self assurance cat Silver Baby to feline diabetes in June 2012,  my mother passed from Lung Cancer in August 2014 and my beloved second mom from my old job on November 26, 2014.
...


 

"Eat Pray Love" ... the movie

I had planned to refrain my opinion until after I read the book as well, however I couldn't get the thoughts I wanted to pen out of my mind. Even as I type this, my mind is racing and my fingers are trying to keep up.
First off, story line aside, I love Julia Roberts. She is primarily the reason I wanted to see it.

Ok, so the story is of a woman who never did for herself, never took that time to find out who she was, who she wanted to be and who she could be away from other distractions. I completely find myself feeling this part so much. She put herself into all that was around her, or that one distraction. By distraction I mean that one thing that allowed her to hide herself. She was able to love others, but not herself. I have been in this spot so long and so many times that I thought I was watching me on that screen. When you devote your time, energy and love to one thing, completely losing sight of yourself, it is detrimental to your well being, period.

The woman goes on to walk away from what she thought she wanted after having a medicine man tell her she isn't happy. Having someone point out that you aren't what you think you are is quite an eye opener sometimes. It's easy to see things, justify them and push them away, unless someone from the outside points them out. It's hard to justify it to anyone other than yourself when something clearly makes no logistical sense. Are you happy, that is the question that popped in my head many times during that movie. At one point in time I was that woman telling myself I was happy a midst all the pain. It was easy for me to do it. I paid the consequences.

She then pours herself into food, oh what a glorious thought. To surround yourself with wonderful delicate meals and laughter. I see nothing wrong with that, until you go to put on your jeans. In moderation, all happiness is great. Too much of a good thing, can be a bad thing I think. She's utterly happy... with everyone and all the food, not with her.

She then moves to a life of selflessness, of giving and not taking. She lives without amenities in order to find inner peace. She chooses someone to picture happy, to find her inner balance. She attempts to align herself with herself. She meets someone who shares something that truly makes you appreciate life. I won't give that away, simply because I want others to enjoy this film. Plus, it makes me cry.

Finally she moves into the enlightenment phase. She is taught to love herself. Love her flaws, love her virtues, love her faults, love her strengths, grow from her weaknesses. She finally gets it, she gets that she has to push away those that could possibly make her stray (without their knowing) from strengthening herself. She learned that her strength is hers to make and hers to break. Letting someone in doesn't necessarily mean you become the wallflower again, doesn't mean you mold into an appendage to that person. Allowing someone to love you means that you let them love the real you, not the you that you think they want you to be. At no time should you change who you are to make another happy. You take the good with the bad, you take the arguments with the agreements, you take the fights with the make ups.

I didn't realize this, or didn't believe it years ago. I allowed myself to try to be what someone else wanted. I changed everything, down to my way of dressing, my choice of music and how I behaved. I became a doormat. I was walked on, kicked, hurt, lied to, cheated on and mentally abused. And just like Liz's character I moved from one bad relationship to another, changed myself from one thing to another. It wasn't until 2008 that I finally said it was enough. I didn't date, I didn't meet anyone, I did nothing but better myself internally. I'm still not 100% there, but I'm getting there. I still have the habit of changing myself, but I know the signs and know how to stop it. I wish I could say that I will no longer do this, but, lets face it, I doubt I will. It's a constant battle I have with myself. As much of a bitch as I come off to be, I'm not. I try to please everyone. It's just that after awhile of trying so hard, I snap and that is the bitch people see.

Finally, let me say this, I plan to read the book, but this movie made me laugh, made me cry and made me look at myself and my life. It made me ask, am I happy where I am? Am I happy with who I am with? Am I happy with the way I treat myself. I answered yes to all but the last. I still have a bad habit of doing more for others than I do for myself and I don't allow people to do for me. I do not like feeling like I owe anyone,  or that someone will hold something over my head.

So my review... watch the movie and read the book for yourself. If you think you can relate to me, then you can relate to Liz and I think it will be something that opens your eyes...

So, not what you were expecting was it?